slugs - 90 seconds at the Lancasters

« 90 seconds at the Lancasters »

Welcome Guest. Please Login or Register.
Nov 28, 2009, 11:32am

slugs :: General :: TA-DA Friday :: 90 seconds at the Lancasters

Author

Topic: 90 seconds at the Lancasters (Read 238 times)

david
Master of the Slug Universe

member is offline

[avatar]

Professional Counselor

Joined: Dec 2002
Gender: Male

Posts: 1,839
Location: las vegas
Karma: 17

90 seconds at the Lancasters
« Thread Started on Aug 8, 2008, 4:23am »

Since I do not have a 'doggie-dog' at my new house, we generally leave the back door open for my animals (9 year old cat named Mr. SMith and 9 year old Golden Retriever named Charly). One night, about a week ago, I get up at 2:13 am to get a drink of water.

I go outside briefly to get some fresh air. As I reenter my home and close the door, everything stops as me and Ms. Puff, the neighbors social butterfly cat, make eye contact. She is in my house, eating Mr. Smiths cat food.

The cat is always in our yard and we have a good relationship, up to that point. As far as I know, this is the first time Ms. Puff has been inside my domicile. My cat is nowhere to be found and my dog is sleeping.

What happens next is... Ms. Puff wigs out completely. I am not sure if it is because of the guilt of being caught stealing food or being trapped or some cat sense that says "DANGER DANGER FLIP OUT NOW TO SAVE YOURSELF".

Ms. Puff runs this way, then runs that way, then runs, not out the just opened backdoor, but down the hallway, slipping and a sliding on the recently waxed/polished wood floors. I turn the corner and have no idea where the cat is: she is either in the bathroom, my daughters room or my room. I check all 3 and no cat. Daughter is sleeping, wife is sleeping, dog is sleeping. I am real sure the cat is not in the bathroom as there is no room to hide.

On retrospection, I should of just left the door outside open and went back to bed and the cat would of finally made its way out. But of course if I had done that the next 45 seconds or so would not of happened and there would of been no story to write about.

No what I did was decide to find the cat. I turn on the lights to my daughters room and check under the bed, in the closet - no cat. Check, cat is not in the bathroom or my daughters room. Cat has to be in my room.

Turn on the light. No cat. Couple of things happen at once: dog and the wife both begin to wake up. Both seem to look at the clock and look at me with the 'WTF is your problem' look. I explain "I'm looking for Ms. Puff", thinking this will solve the riddle of why Dave is waking my ass up at 2 am.

Apparently, being woken from a dead sleep and exclaiming "I'm looking for Ms. Puff" does not solve very many riddles.

From the blank stares I recieve from both the wife and the dog, I further elaborate "Ms. Puff, Ms. Puff is in here"

Not realizing my wife has no idea that "ms Puff" is the neighbors cat, I further try to quell her fears by saying "don't worry I'll get her out".

Before she has time to ask any further questions, I discover Ms. Puff is under the night stand. She is looking at me, not with the 'I love you, let me rub your ankles and purr till you pet me' look, but rather the 'you die' look.

My wife still has no idea of what is taking place, but it becomes very clear in the next three seconds as Ms. Puff jumps on the bed and runs across my wifes lap. To say that my wife is startled would be an understatement. She has no idea a friendly cat, one that she pets all the time, is in our bedroom. All she knows for sure is something, some animal that has orange fur just ran across her lap.

My wife reacts. "WHATTHEFUCKISTHAT, WHATHEFUCKISTHAT, WHATTHEFUCKISTHAT".

Charly knows. She chases the cat all the time. Never in her wildest Golden Retriever dreams would she expect to corner such an elusive foe in her masters bedroom. Time for SUPERDOG to take action. She starts barking wildly.

Unfortunately, Ms. Puff did not have the sense to run towards the doorway, but rather the opposite way and lodges herself under the other night stand. Trapped, with SUPERDOG barking her ever loving mind out, she...

The next line is so hard to type because I am laughing so hard at the memory...this is a Lancaster curse thing...

Okay I'm back, I have been laughing again and could not type.

Ms. Puff decides she has had enough of this shit and jumps over SUPERDOG. She bounds out the door of the bedroom and hits the recently waxed or polished wood floors, and slides into the bathroom. I did not see what happened next because of the angle, but I hear a distinct splash sound.

I need an aside here. In my house, we generally do not flush our toilets at night when everybody is sleeping. We go by the motto - if its yellow, be mellow, if its brown, flush it down.

Well we were mellow this evening. Last I saw of Ms. Puff, she was warp speeding down the hallway and out the back door, never to be seen again. I turned on the lights and saw wet little kitty paw prints leading from the toilet to the backdoor.

My wife and I, laughed and laughed and laughed. She got up and made bacon and eggs for us and SUPERDOG because there was no way we were going to go back to sleep.

Link to Post - Back to Top IP:

Logged

discount rates available